M

*The line went through last night. I spoke for about an hour. You knew I was already in full throttle on my way to my strongest self, the more integrated one. Still, I desperately needed someone to talk to. It’s like the most bizarre thing ever, you and me. J But recently I’ve met so many wonderful people, including J, RY, craze4desire(Mg’s cousin, I gave him a weird name!) , Haungwen(he has the same name as my daddy!) and so on!

8/30

   I gave you a buzz this morning, and you weren’t on the other side. I called you again tonight; still, you were somewhere else. I was closed to tears, feeling I was at the ebb of my supposed-to-change life. I wondered, sat still, started to inhale and exhale slowly, and I dialed another number, knowing that it wouldn’t help much. The line went through, and I initiated the conversation via casual catch-up.

Everything was pretty smooth. You knew how talented I was at socializing (yet I told you that I had problems socializing, weird, isn’t it?). However, when our topic came to my issue, the atmosphere froze somehow. I tried hard to procrastinate the talking. She is my friend; thus I tried to tell her how I felt. Moreover, I cut my sentence clear, short and brief, in order that she could manage to catch up with what I was saying. Seriously, I sweat all over my palms. And again, I found it importance itself to talk to you, just like taking therapy sessions.

   I promised you to change. I even believed that I could. But somehow I got caught up in between. Where was my safety net when I needed it most? My belief that everyone was solitude on the planet did root deeply within. You knew I was like riding a roller coaster ride; ups and downs came rapidly and easily. I was supposed to believe that I could change. Therefore, I started to write things, read books, and created a visualized safety net inside.

   Oh my dear, how will I know if things like this ever happen again? I may fall to pieces, crawling over shreds of glasses only to find nothing but blood. I swallowed the agony alone, unable to reach you. How am I going to bear all this? Without you I knew everything wouldn’t be the same.

   I promised you to change, and I owned that to you. Hence, let me apologize first. Trying to be genuine was harder than it seems, specially getting caught in the old pattern of thoughts and habits?

   I need to change of the way I am right now, down this moment. Give me an ounce of passion. I want to rekindle the flame once. Keep burning my passion. It was what ReiYin told me, for she was always so strong and independent. Everything is possible. Despite the winding road ahead me, all the fears that drowned me, or the pain-killers that never seems to help at all, I find a little pride and dignity, today.

   Missing you already.

(Do you think we get along well cuz you’re like a tomboy? Or maybe I am one. Haha, no offense. Though, U know I always have a great time with guys. Guys are easier to hang out! Can’t agree more!)